[](http://www.istherefood.com/wp- content/uploads/hills_have_eyes_two.sized.jpg)I didn’t expect a great deal from THHE2, but it surprised me: it’s a huge achievement.
Massive. Seriously uber-humongous. Mere words alone cannot express how huge an achievement this film is. This film has the honour of being the most tension free, uninvolving, yawn-inducing horror film I’ve ever seen. It’s not even like the Black Christmas remake (a film so bad I considered self harming as a more entertaining option after 30 minutes) in that it’s not absolutely terrible; it’s just such a complete non-entity.
The gore isn’t particularly well done: featuring more of the terrible cgi blood spurts that I loathed in 300, and some pretty crap prosthetics; the actors are all uninteresting, and lack the ability to build any emotional ties with the audience, and the cast don’t even look particularly attractive; the script is so flimsy I suspect Cravens Jnr and Snr could have knocked it together over a couple of beers one night, and is filled with the sort of cliches Craven’s Scream mercilessly taunted; and the whole thing lacks any undercurrent of dread or impending doom.
We’re basically introduced to a team of incompetent, obnoxious national guardsmen. They proceed to ponce about in the mountains for a bit, while bumpy headed mutants hop about above them. After a painfully dull 45 minutes - including the appearance of Nameless Scientist Dude #1 from within a chemical toilet - they start to get picked off. Hilariously, right after killing one bumpy headed mutant, Generic Female #2 wanders off behind a rock - without telling anyone - to urinate. Whilst trousers are firmly around ankles, another (yes, there are lots of them) bumpy headed mutant carries her off into his lair. Generic Female #1 insists that they can’t leave without her, and leads the rest of the team to their - if there’s any justice - doom. Curiously, Generic Female #2 still finds time to pull up her trousers. Come to think of it, even after being raped - a scene that some describe as shockingly violent/extreme/horrific/etc, but which is actually one of the least effective scenes of its type in any film I’ve ever seen - Generic Female #2 finds time to pull up and buckle her trousers.
The original film’s “normal people are capable of shocking violence too, you know?” subtext has been totally abandoned for the sequel, and while we’re spared any doggie flashbacks this time, it’s still a complete non-event in the history of horror.
Horror writers and directors need to appreciate that an audience will get nothing out of a film if there’s nothing to hook them in - if you don’t care about the characters, aren’t engaged by the plot, are bored by the gore, and can’t even think of anything nice to say about the cinematography, you’re not going to come out of the theatre feeling particularly satisfied.
If you come across this for £2.50 in your local supermarket or DVD emporium, it might be worth picking it up - if just to play “spot the cliche”. Even better, if it happens to be on the TV while you’re channel hopping, have a look-see. Aside from that, avoid avoid avoid.