aka I Didn’t Like 300!
Yes, I know world + dog has now reviewed this, but I don’t care ;)
[](http://www.istherefood.com
/wp-content/uploads/300_Poster6.sized.jpg)Let me shout this from the very top
of the review, as the doomed king Leonidas and his Spartans are so fond of
doing: I DIDN’T ENJOY 300!
There, I’ve said it. I can hide my controversial opinion no longer. An army of
fans - enough to put the fear of God in old Xerxes himself - is no doubt
marching this way even as I write this. My review comes a little late to the
party thanks to my location (why does the UK get everything last?), and it’s
easy to attack something that’s met with success in order to court
controversy, or do something different; but I can’t help the fact that, for
me, a large part of Zack Snyder’s creation doesn’t make for very entertaining
cinema.
For the record: I’m a fan of the original graphic novel, and a fan of Frank
Miller in general. I’m also a fan of Zack Snyder, given that he took on a
terribly unpopular idea - remaking Dawn of the Dead - and produced a damn
fine movie as a result. There are moments in Snyder’s zombie apocalypse that
throb with a visceral ferocity, and I had high hopes for 300. But that’s
always my curse: high hopes = low opinion.
A note to the reader: at this point things get a bit spoilery. I’m assuming that, by now, pretty much everyone’s seen 300. If you’ve not, I’d recommend stopping at this point and coming back when you’ve been to your local multiplex and made your own mind up. And with that out of the way…
There are so many things wrong with 300; so many irritating elements that
detract from what could have been a glorious whole. The ferocity that existed
within Dawn _is, despite all the violence, missing from _300. Limbs are
severed, blood is spilled, and many a beefcake is pierced by a Persian arrow.
The problem is: none of it seems real, none of it makes an impact. It’s the
overuse of CGI that’s largely to blame: you can’t make computer generated
blood look the same way as real blood, it doesn’t stain the clothes and skin,
it doesn’t splatter, it just sprays unenthusiastically, unsubstantially. It’s
the same with severed limbs; prosthetics give a real sense of ouch when blade
meets flesh, but the lightweight CGI limb removal in 300 just doesn’t hurt.
It seems that the battle sequences are supposed to evoke emotion and feel
powerful simply because they’re sped up and slowed down at will by Snyder.
While the choreography is at times impressive - one particular sequence sees
Leonidas dispatching numerous identikit Persian assailants in a single take -
the insistence on messing with the speed robs these scenes of any power.
Stylistically they do their job - show slow-mo Spartan violence like never
before - but I found myself unable to be enthralled by it.
Much has been written about 300’s use of colour, its striking visual style,
and the fact that it looks nothing like anything else. And that’s true. I’d
argue that, most of the time, it just doesn’t look very exciting. I found
Miller’s original art style far more interesting to look at than its cinematic
equivalent. Maybe I have a difficult time appreciating cinematography that’s
been created on a computer - that’s something I never thought I’d hear myself
think - but at times I was indescribably bored by 300. If the film had been
produced using real sets, real terrain, and real environments I might be more
impressed by it.
Style aside, I have issues with the performances. Androgyny is a difficult
thing to do convincingly on film. More importantly, it’s a difficult thing to
do seriously - Xerxes is neither. The God-king looks more like a Priscilla
Queen of the Desert reject, than the almost-God he’s supposed to be. The
problem is, how do you convey that on film? Couple that with a voice-over that
sounds too much like a camp Michael Clarke Duncan to take seriously, and
Xerxes lacks the awe-inspiring qualities every self-respecting God-King should
possess.
Xerxes’ faults would be forgivable were the Spartans an impressive bunch, but
even they let the side down badly. To give credit where it’s due, Butler
impressed me: at times he conveys a surprising depth of emotion, and seems to
have enjoyed making the film. Sadly, at other times he’s either bellowing
orders (which he admittedly does quite well) or being witty. Butler is the
best thing about the film, and my overall dislike isn’t his fault.
I also liked Andrew Tiernan as Ephialtes, the horribly disfigured man-beast
that so desperately wants to be a Spartan. I actually had more sympathy for
this deformed monstrosity than most other characters, Leonidas excepted. But
that’s pretty much where I stop being impressed.
After seeing Lena Headey in The Brothers Grimm - God knows she was one of the
few decent things in that particular feature - I was quite impressed, but she
doesn’t perform very well here. As Queen Gorgo she’s still undoubtedly
attractive, and there’s much of her on display - I’d argue far more than was
really necessary, as king and queen perform a little mini Spartan Karma Sutra
before the bold king heads off to meet his doom. Still, better give the
adolescents some tits to swoon over, eh? Headey is saddled with a sub-plot we
don’t need, and some of the worst dialogue in the film, so she’s not entirely
to blame here.
Of the other assembled Spartans, only a few actually have speaking parts. Most
just shout “HOI!” every now and then, and get impaled by something spiky when
called upon to do so. Dilios (David Wenham) provides a voice-over that’s
straight out of the novel, but at times totally surplus to requirements. More
often than not his commentary is totally uninteresting. We don’t need to be
told that someone is angry, as he helpfully points out at one point. There is
so much silent aggressive shoutyness - an oxymoron that Snyder is way too fond
of - to be in any doubt as to when someone’s a bit cross. Other “featured
Spartans” include Captain, Stelios, and Astinos, each of which have problems
of their own, thanks to “added depth” that didn’t exist in Miller’s original
story.
Which strikes me as odd; at times Snyder has a seemingly desperate need to
reuse many of Miller’s original frames. Flicking back through the novel upon
returning to the comfort of my writer’s chair, it’s striking just how
accurately the film reproduces the novel’s look. And, much like Sin City,
you wonder “why bother?”
Snyder and co. have added some nonsensical and nauseating new elements that go
above and beyond Miller’s original. The most obvious of these is the
previously mentioned sub-plot during which the queen attempts to convince
Sparta’s council to help Leonidas. There’s some ludicrously heavy-handed
dialogue about “going to war illegally” and “sending this country’s sons off
to war” which must have sounded very clever when the writing team dreamt it
up. This particular sub-plot wraps itself up with the queen impaling pantomime
villain Theron - shortly after he’s given her an impaling of another kind -
and exposing his corruption thanks to the large bag of limited edition Xerxes
gold coins he had secreted on his person. How neat and tidy.
Then there’s the thinly veiled homo-erotic buddy elements between Stelios
(Michael Fassbender) and Astinos (Tom Wisdom). Not since Ice and Maverick have
two hunks been so desperate for a little man-love. Things just aren’t meant to
be for our star-crossed lovers though; quite early on in the film we’re told
that Astinos is the Captain’s son, and from this point forward his card is
marked. Admittedly, every member of Leonidas’ 300 strong party’s card is
ultimately marked, but singling out this particular character so early on
means that when Astinos does finally, and quite literally, lose his head, it
comes as no surprise. It lacks any emotional impact. Worse: as the Captain,
Vincent Regan isn’t capable of producing any real emotional reaction when he’s
asked to, nor is he as convincing during the subsequent butt-kicking as
Butler.
The battle sequences themselves have some additions, seemingly for the sake of
eye candy. It appears that there were a few left-over War Elephants from The
Lord of the Rings, and Snyder saw fit to include them here. There’s also a
War Rhino, and a large, angry War Mutant. These new enemies only serve to make
things seem less real, and subsequently everything seems less engaging. The
Spartans are also assailed by a team of grenade tossing, Monty Pythonesque
monk-types later in the film, resulting in much diving and rolling to avoid
explosions and the resulting shrapnel. As with many other scenes, this all
looks very silly.
Speaking of silly (and Python), the Ephors are more reminiscent of The Holy
Grail’s Knights of Ni than Miller’s original creature. I half expected
Leonidas to be tasked with locating a shrubbery. One, almost throwaway,
addition that is visually simulating is Xerxes’ executioner - a bloated,
blade-armed grotesque that’s more Clive Barker than Frank Miller. Sadly, the
creature never appears again.
The final straw is an unnecessary final sequence showing Dilios returning to
Queen Gorgo. Leonidas’ last thoughts - “My Queen. My life. My love. Be strong.
Goodbye.” - are enough of an ending, and demonstrate, if we needed a further
demonstration at this stage, that he’s sacrificing everything for his wife and
son. We don’t need to see Dilios returning to Sparta; it’s an indulgence that
Miller resisted, and Snyder should have followed suit.
It’s no wonder Miller is now thinking of directing. Snyder’s additions and
directorial style are precisely the reasons that 300 doesn’t work as a
meaningful piece of cinema, and I can’t help but think that he’s missed the
point a little. It’s too long, thanks to the unneeded additions, and contains
too many jarring styles, both in terms of dialogue and cinematography. Had the
film been truer to the source material, and yet conversely had the confidence
to define its own style, it would have been far more interesting.
Regardless of its lack of cinematic worth, 300 has pushed many of the right
buttons with audiences. I can’t help but feel a sense of impending dread as a
horde of similar comic-book adaptations march over the hill. I just hope
Snyder’s Watchmen adaptation isn’t one of them.